Friday, October 30, 2009

I fail at updating

I obviously fail at updating. So....copy and pasting bullshit from past entries I've had sitting on my LJ

D:< I hope everyone goes and haves fun on Halloween, YaoiCon and PMX! D< my broke ass wont be going anywhere at all. Funny. as a costume designer/cosplayer I should be rejoicing for halloween but this is quite possibly the 2nd or 3rd year in a row I have not dressed up! D:<
life got the best of me and I simply just dont have it in me to dress up /:
I have some retarded cat ears and horns that I can PROBLY adorn for that day so when I go to work I'm not being the lame tard again. This happened last year. Everyone knows I make costumes on the sideline yet I never dressed up for halloween last year at school /:
the spirit just isnt there anymore. That or just no time to really invest into doing anything ~__~ I still wanna sew, I have plenty of ideas floating in my head but again, as always. I'm epic fail at sewing or getting the motivation to sew. I still wanna get myself an adjustable dressform. /: I keep thinking maybe I should possibly hold off on it when I move to a bigger apartment.
D< but hopefully we get enough room. Considering that I'm the one working 2 jobs I demand to get the master bedrooom not to mention me and Shin would be splitting the room. We deserve the biggest room D:< coz we be messy. lulz.
my only qualms about the apartment is:
1. ITS CARPET. I HATE VACUUMING CARPET. and that also requires BUYING a vacuum cleaner.
2. I KNOW for a fact I'm going to shoulder my brothers end of the rent =___=ll like I had to for this months bill. uuurrgggh.....
Iunno, thats the only thing about moving in with family. I'd prefer to move out on my own. And not have to worry about someone elses shit /:

but yeah, life has been kicking me hard. >__> car needs work, and I'm too poor to get it fixed. W/e I'll just charge the card and see how much more debt I accumulate. Though I havent paid the monthly premium yet since I've already started paying back what I can. but that doesnt change the fact that thats money i dont have and uurrgh so frustrating.
Kinda really wanna go to PMX /: and meet all these snazzy people and get some PHOTOSHOOTING dones as well, my camera is gathering dust. All I take photos of now is the damn shirts we print in the shop =_=

I wanna decora my phone coz I'm bored with it and its ugly and dieing anyway.

I've also turned quite anti-social. Again this goes back to me trying to avoid a certain person but in the end I always end up seeing her >__>ll I guess the thing that bugs me the most about her is the fact that she keeps bitching about her life and how she drives like a stupid maniac and I'm suprised she hasnt gotten into an accident yet and her stupid ass is acting up just coz shes mad her mom is divorcing her dad. Quite childish if I do say so myself /: not that I'm any better. but honestly, your twenty fucking one. Grow up! I know it sucks when your parents are going through a divorce but seriously, grow up. Take some responsibility and stop bitchign about how shitty your life is. Your probly just mad coz daddy cant spoil you anymore =_=ll
I'm not gonna lie I must be a bitch for only calling you when my car decides to stall in the fucking freeway andI got no one else to call but your dumbass (coz you were already on the phone with me prior to it dieing) but urgh. I hate having to rely on you for a ride. Or help =_=ll I'll desperately TRY to drop my car off tomorrow morning at the mechanics before going to work and seeing how broke I can be D:<

iunno but seriously. I think i just realized tonight, yet agian. Why I wouldkill myself if i end up sharing a room with a girl friend ever again or even live with them. I'm thankful for her being here to help me and stuff but jeezD: i dont appreciate her acting out likea kid coz of mommy and daddys little divorce. maybe imjust being overly bitchy. coz. of shit happening but. thats beside the point.
she took up yet another blanket =___=lland iunno if its just my pet peeve or whatnot but shes sleepingwith all her damn makeupon, her clip on extensions and whatnot and GEEZE MAYBE I KNOW WHY YOUR COLD. MAYBE IF YOUT PUT ON MORE CLOTHES WHEN YOU SLEEP YOU WOULDNTBE SO FUCKING COLD?!and watch, the next morning, we'll wake up and shell complain shes breaking out and her extensions arenapping up /:
iunno i feel like a total bitch sometimes. but. im just over it,hopefully tonight is the last night she crashes here=___=ll for along time atleast.
I need some ME time. ugh!

The joy of sewing - cosplaying was seeing something you've created from scratch slowly build up into something

resembling a piece of garment or slowly seeing it being built into a finsihed product.

I feel like I've lost that motivation. Yes I'm hitting that stump again where I feel like, what the hell am I doing.

Where the hell am I going? D:< what do I have going for me?

my friend brought up a good point earlier (yes the same friend I was bitching about last night =__=ll) that

she feels emo/useless coz.

1. she doesnt have a boyfriend - which to me seems ridiculous then I realize. I think as humans we are guilty for not wanting to be alone even though we get those angry tweeny emo kids screaming 'I want to be alone!' and etc. etc. etc. When in reality their just crying out for human touch.

2. She doesnt have a job / purpose and is possibly pissed that I'm too busy working and hanging out with Shin /:

hmm....iuno, I really dont know where I'm going with this anymore. I always find myself trying to BLOG while at work

(yes this is being written in a note pad and being transferred onto LJ once I get access to the interwebs - which is when I get home!)

/styles & changing:

I seriously make myself laugh and I just dont get myself anymore LOL.

I really wanna go dye my hair black and hot pink again and red. /:

but, I need to lay low since theres been some ISSUES at my other office job so I guess I'm stuck with boring brown with blonde highlights D:< not that its bad but iunno. Contemporary? Or. Just. iunno, not that its bad. haha.

I also find it interesting how my style of the way I dress changes and goes back and forth back and forth. I havent had the time to be arsed to get any outfit photos D<

and not to mention a majority of my outfits throughout the week consists of jeans/pants + t-shirt. Scarf and sweater/zipup hoodie D:< I want new boots dammit. LOL. but no money. I just dropped my car off to get looked at =___=ll which is probly going to cost me an arm and a leg. Not tomention i still have to get it smogged and registered. Which again will cost money! D:<

lol my pet peeve is my apparently 'skinny' jeans arent at a point where they should stay up OR be tight =__=ll

dont get me wrong. I like loose jeans, if their MEANT TO BE LOOSE. but not when their called 'skinny jeans' for a reason /: and obviously are being fags and not clinging. and so it ends up looking retarded. I personally dislike wearing pants for the purpose that they do nto stay up. Thank you mom for not giving me an ass for my pants to cling onto /:

lol, useless rant is useless.

and. its too cold to wear skirts and leggings. That or I just want new boots. its a pain in the ass to wear the platforms everyday

and I'm not down to wear uggs all the time or my heeled boots since I work in a screen printing facility and in the event that we are short handed, i need to hop back and forth between front desk and back room work. /:

I need to go recycle some of the cans and bottles I've accumulated =_=ll and fuck, this november their going to raise my student tuition fee that i need to pay back having gone to Cosmo school. Fuck yeah see. part of me dies everytime I make this payment and knowing I'm paying for something that supposedly helped me prepped and accumulate what I need to get my licensing for cosmetology and here I am. NOT CERTIFIED. D:<

hmm....I really want a gorgeous rose necklace for some reason /: my rose ring is about to break too D< fak. I need to replace it when it breaks T^T I love that thing.

I need to start thinking of what to get people for the holidays D:< damn you holidays! I doubt there will be any xmas bonuses this year /: and I really dont wana go to the office xmas party =_= and get all fancied up and. yeah just not my thing.

I'm also not in the mood to see any relatives at all lately. mostly, coz, I have issues regarding their two face beezie asses.

but yes, tomorrow is my uncle's 25th anniv. as a priest in St. Michael's church in Paradise Valley. and on Sunday is my grand fathers death anniversary. I will pay my respect to my grandpa - on my OWNTIME. but I doubt I will go out of my way Saturday morning to go see my uncle =_=ll not to mention my car IS OUT OF COMMISSION. So I shall makeup bs excuse not to see anyone 8D (relative wise atleast) coz I'm a brat like that /: and I know for a fact I dont feel guilty nor indept. I've been on my own completely and they havent been any help anyway so >:P does not give me much of a reason to show up on my day off XD

/: sooo I just got a call from the mechanic.
1. its going to cost me an arm and a leg
2. they need to isolate the problem why my gas tank is smelling out fumes D:< which could potentially be baadd UDUR!

3. I need to get it smog =_=ll theres another $50
4. I need to get 'garaunteed to pass' and drop it off at the mechanics shop D: so I can shove that in my car
5. I need to buy premium gas. FUCKING YOU JAGUAR FUCK YOU...I drive atleast 50+ miles a day D:< and with gas prices nowadays. FUCK.
I'm going to go look into getting a car financed =___=ll am I just digging myself deeper and deeper into debt or what?! but I finally paid off my outstanding balance on my card, now I just need to wait till it resets itself D:<

rents coming up and this does not make me happy =_=l

I should get a fucking bike. Shit only cost $10 to fill up a fucking tank. I'd happily commute on my Ninja. D:< too bad my insurnace would cost me an arm and aleg!

I love action and horror. preferably horror movies D:<

Thursday, October 22, 2009

wow, when was the last time I've actually sat down and written an actual update? I've found myself more and more writing away in my personal journal (notebook). just random scribles here and there inbetween work and etc.
Not much. I dont really update it as much with everyday stuff /: just. Scribbles of my thoughts, frustrations. ideas. etc.
funny, I'm actually writing this in a word-pad at work and will obviously be uploading this when I get home - access to the interwebs. /: since they obviously blocked off the interwebs at work except for the company website in which we work of, off =_=l totally retarded. So i've kept myself occupied at work when i'm done with all my call back reports and etc by watching movies I've saved on my memory stick. But lately, hah, I havent had much of that. Have been dealing with more and more bitchy ass customers in this job and at my other one. Like seriously /:
where the hell do these clients get off thinking they can jump ahead of another clients order?! anyways. Dont even wanna go there anymore. I've....stressed myself enough thinking about work, but one things definitely for sure. I am sooooo done work an 8-8 job. yes. 12 hr shirts. 2 jobs /: including drive time.
Speaking of DRIVE....=_____= I just got my credit card approved and guess where I get to blow off the credit card on?! Smog check, engine check and bills bills bills.
I'm falling short this month due to a reclusion from last month. Fuck. I cannot keep sending money home and still find some money to survive =_=ll
I've resulted to 1 meal a day or barely a meal a day. mostly consisting of a peanut butter sandwhich or whatever my friend gives me out of the goodness of her pantry LOL! Coz trust me, I'm so over ramen hahahaha.

I havent slept much lately either, I'm pretty sure its a mixture of possibly having Shin around or just the result of the caffeine pills im on /:
It hasnt really bothered me much. I still function day to day and I'm not like OMFG dieing when I get home. I'm mostly just MENTALY drained and exhausted from the days work/drive /: yay 40 min commute everyday and thats one way.

I still need to go in and get evaluated by a psychologist and submit the report to the damn immigration people to get my dad back. But again, I've pretty much given on the fact that the embassy is going to pass his papers. Its been close to 5 yrs already. I'm just blindly burning money everytime I send cash home =__=

/moving out: on the subject of moving out. I know I just moved out but again I gotta start packing again and getting a move on. I'm going to visit my old apartment complex and put my name in for the waiting list for an opening. My grandma decided its time to boot my brother out to make room for my uncles who lost his job and is moving back home. And my other uncle just decided its more convenient to stay with mommy again =___=ll so now we're shit out ofluck, it sucks even more coz hes a full time student whos barely making any money. Gotta hussle hussle hussle to make cash for rent and more bills.
but with that, Shin might move out with me and we'll probly end up sharing the bedroom. This way he can finally sign up for school and on my way to work, I can drop him off. But thats probly late spring early summer. I know that seems far off but honestly, time flies so much quickly when you're not paying attention. Speaking of school - I did go to school for cosmetology but. I hihgly doubt that'll happen anytime soon (me getting my license), it requires time and money. Both of which I dont quite have the luxury of. Shame on me.

iunno exactly what to feel anymore. its....simply akward. Not quite akward just. Take life with a grain of salt and rub it on open wound, you'll eventually learn to accept/get used to the pain and nothing will phase you. I'm forcing myself just that. it sucks to know that you're just not good enough. but its not quite your fault. its just. Weird. haha.

I'm still quite determined to get a coffee maker and a toaster Xd

To all my lady and gentlemen friends out there - To truly love someone, is to learn to let them go. True or False? Opinions plz. I think too much on my 40 min commute to and from work lol.

I also dyed my hair brown again and bleached out some of the parts. I loved the red but, iunno. Just wanted a change. but not quite down to go black haha.
Havent dressed up in forever.
Halloween is coming up, everyones getting quite excited for it. I'm...not haha.
its my uncles 25th anniv. as a priest and my presence is apparently required at the church and the day after that is my Grandfathers death Anniv. again, my presence is required on some sad pathetic family gathering. In all honestly. I dont wanna go.
I'm selfish like that and childish. Childish because I dont want to be there and be subjected to peoples ridicules. =____=

lol, sorry, i guess I will never be good enough for anyone but myself haha.
Speaking of which, my grandma and aunt is still possibly annoyed with me for moving out. again this goes back tto the subject of them not taking me in anyway, where the fuck was I suppose to go? obviously, gotta hussle to make it on my own somehow.
if, shin ends up moving out and rooming with me, how selfish is that, im sure my parents would throw a fit for me rooming with a dude, my brother will be taking the other room anyway, its not like were gonna doanything jeez =___=ll iunno, im pretty sure their already quite ashamed of me. W/E you can never please anyone.

I want my tattoo and more piercings. Fuck you money. Your root of all evil.

lol, but then again if I got more piercings, I can only imagine everyones disapprovals LOL.

oh and no, I cannot make it to PMX =____=
I got bills to pay and I think its best that I dont go.

ps: I'm interested in doing MMA /: